I’ll be honest. I started writing today’s post about another topic entirely. About halfway through the post, I felt something overtake my brain that I’ve been carrying with me for many years. It’s something I’ve kept quiet for so long, partly because I just learned how to deal with it my entire life and because I also wanted to spare my own image. However, I know many of you are going through something similar.
But before I delve into this topic, I feel the way it came about was very unexpected, yet direct. Most of you who follow this blog know that I have been neck-deep in entrepreneurship since my layoff in February of 2017. I’ve been called brave and inspiring to venture forth into not only startup life, but in a role that I have no formal experience or training in. While I appreciate the sentiments, sometimes wonder if I can survive the wall climb. Can they see my fatigue? My frozen fingers shaking and freezing while I simply try to support my weight?
My journey has been a popular topic of conversation, and naturally, as I reconnect with friends over the holidays, I try my best to simplify and brighten my situation. I describe my learnings in venture deals, excitement in forming a company, and how I plan to contribute to the transformation of an emerging industry. I’ve never felt more excited about anything in my life.
But there is a dark side of entrepreneurship. It wasn’t until a close friend asked me a very interesting question recently, which led me into a cave (or series of caves) that I hadn’t really explored.
She asked me, “Where do you go for emotional support?”
My mind froze as if she was suddenly speaking a foreign language.
“Emotional support? Well, I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it.”
As someone obsessed with optimization and health, I was genuinely curious and somewhat embarrassed about not having a plan to address something that most people would argue is rather important. Yet, I’ve never sought it, nor even considered to seek it. Perhaps it was my striving for American machismo, my Asian upbringing, or my need to show my independence that has buried this option to ask for backup. I’ve gotten so used to self-soothing and figuring things out on my own, I forgot that it even was an option.
My mind has mulled over her question in the last week. How AM I doing emotionally? I didn’t feel emotionally unhealthy. I’m not suicidal. I’m not sad. I’m not depressed. I’m not overly stressed... or am I? Like any modern-day keyboard researcher, I punched in some Google searches and casually took some emotional health quizzes. I took quiz after quiz, somewhat for fun, somewhat for serious.
The results were pretty steady.
If you were to ask me, my personal estimation would be somewhere in the high 80s to low 90th percentile as being emotionally healthy. I’ve been through some shit and no matter how bad it got, I’ve always told myself, “I’ve got this.”
The half-funny half-serious results somewhat shocked me.
The results clocked me somewhere between 55% and 70% emotionally healthy with therapy being highly recommended.
The conclusion: I am severely stressed.
How was I so off? Was I just ignoring it? Am I so deep in it that I don’t even know it? The answer is yes. Growing up in an immigrant family, we were always taught to never rely on others. I've walked off the field with broken toes and fingers and ignored treatment for days. Stood tall for others in the face of tragedy. Given advice to those in trauma while ignoring my own.
Various mental illness resource websites define an emotionally supportive relationship as “one where you feel unconditionally accepted and cared for.” Combining this definition with the idea that Fuck Yeah, Friday was built on pillars of honesty, vulnerability, and documenting, I am breaking the silence on my current state of mind regarding my finances, my concerns, and the acceptance of my stress level to my FYF audience.
I’m scared shitless.
I feel like James Bond strapped to a table, laser creeping closer up to my nether regions. Yes, I still believe there is value to not having a safety net, which I don’t. I believe there is value in desperation. I believe in Christmas miracles and 4th quarter Hail Marys. I believe in myself. But those who have ever ventured into entrepreneurship or watched a football game know that not every bold move has a happy ending. For every story of success, there are thousands of failures. Which one will I be?
2019 was about balancing money with time and experiences. I’ve managed to travel on mileage points, crashed on friends’ couches, and deferred my share of family vacations to generous siblings. I made clear decisions to take up these once-in-a-lifetime experiences in exchange for the future and I have no regrets.
Time to pay that bill has come.
With that, I am announcing that I will be suspending Fuck Yeah, Friday! for 2020 to focus on my financial and emotional health. The website, Facebook page, and email will still be active, but I will be diverting my time writing towards learning and earning 100%. I invite you to share your thoughts, as you have all listened to me this year. I appreciate you all. I have grown so much from this experience. It has exceeded my expectations and stretched my abilities.
Hopefully, it also brought you some value.
Let’s share our needs, our concerns, and be there for one another with unconditional acceptance and care. Make 2020 a year of executing on your dreams.
Fuck yeah, it’s Friday!
P.S. If you know of any work available, send it my way!
