Gratitude is the Attitude - 9/6/19

“What do you want to be when you grow up THIS TIME?”

I stared in the mirror and thought about how long my severance pay would last me. 

“I know! I mean, I know what I want. At least, I think I know.”

I was so frustrated from being laid off after not only a decade in a company, but almost 30 years of training for a highly specialized skill, and the healthy six-figure student loan that came with it. The 60+mile daily commutes. The after-hours practice. Only to what? Realize it wasn't making me happy anymore? To change my mind? To give up? To break even?

I was a straight-A student, AP, Honors, Chinese School, Dean’s List, yadda yadda yadda and had nothing to show for it. I was broke, burned out, and for the first time since college, I didn’t have a job. It’s hard to not feel like a failure, but I let the feeling sink deep and reveled in it with the hope of never wanting to feel this way again. 

I had $40 in the bank and my meager bonus came in just in time my rent was due. I debated whether to jump back into a sinking industry that demanded so much of its employees, yet forgot them when it came to dividing the harvest. But jumping into another industry also meant I was back at the bottom of another ladder.

I winced and buried my hands into my face. I gave myself a few seconds.

I could do it. 

I still have my health. I still have my drive. I still have an even bigger dream to pursue.

I knew I had to dig up everything in my mental garden, add in some fresh cow shit, and rake it flat to make room for whatever was to grow next. And it was going to be juicier and more bountiful than the harvest before it. I knew I had to divorce my occupation and identity, which had fused over the years. Once flexible cables became solid columns of rust. I needed to set myself free… or at least bring some more flexibility to my reality.

I did the mental math of the best-case scenario for me if I were to return. A steady salary? Check. Free chips and soda? Check. Health insurance, 401k, 1-3% potential raise each year? Check, check, and check! Would that make me happy for the next few years? It wasn’t that I arrived at no. It’s that I burst with a resounding fuck no. 

I was done. 

Thank you, next.

It’s important to go through a phase of gratitude before moving on in any regard. It acknowledges that you both received something from the time spent, yet you also recognize you must move on. While I didn’t choose to get laid off, it only revealed that I was too chicken shit to quit the years prior and lacked the confidence (and financial runway) to find something else.   

10 years before working on some of the most successful video games, I thought my only artistic career options were to become an architect, a Disney animator, or a caricature artist at some theme park. Goal exceeded. Thank you.

10 years before that, I thought I was going to be a very successful car designer, learned a great work ethic from an arduous program, and met some of the hardest working and most talented badasses who now create your blockbuster movies, automobiles, and tech companies. I’ve learned much from them. Goal exceeded. Thank you. 

10 years before that, I thought I was going to be a race car driver, a veterinarian, and yes, a professional artist. I picked one and am still alive with all my fingers and toes. Goal exceeded. Thank you.

Getting laid off was actually long overdue in my industry and I am amazed my journey lasted as long as it did.

The thoughts of my future were uncertain, but going through this phase with gratitude reminded me of the resources at my disposal. I had my health, friends, some marketable skills, drive, focus, and a developing gift of gab. I had the tools.

Now I just had to get off my ass.

People, events, and material things enter and leave our lives, sometimes out of our control. Whether short or long, when it leaves us and we miss it, we should remember that that thing, person, or event could have easily not happened at all. The fact that we had a moment to taste life in all its unique flavors is a gift in itself and that thought brings me out of my failure mode.

Thank you.

Fuck yeah, it’s Friday!

Photo by Joe Yates on Unsplash